Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
Why am I bi-polar? Today was aight. Same ol, same ol. Nothing bad, but nothing really good either. Life has become monotony. Or maybe it always has been but now I just notice it. I have come to the conclusion that I am bi-polar, or schitzophrenic, or multiple personalities, or whatever the hell you wanna call it. All I know is I’m a flip flopper. I flip flop on anything and erythang. Its getting quite annoying to be honest. Anyone whose anyone knows what they want in life, knows who they are…but not I. Everytime I try to make even the smallest distinction I pull back and consider the other option and end up sitting around for hours just deciding if I wanna wear regular or double thick socks today. As you can see, it becomes very time consuming, very quickly. Its just not time efficient.
And thats something else I would like to talk about. Time management. Ugh…its just a dirty word. Can’t you feel it?? Time management….ewwwww. It implies, in one word…death. Which is why I don’t like thinking about it. Thinking about time management leads me to remember that life is short and that I need to do more with my life because sooner or later it will be over. But I don’t do good with this type of mentality. All I do is get sad and depressed. I do better when I don’t worry about time or worrying about counting the minutes I am alive, while in the back of mind knowing that eventually it’ll be gone. What a horrible way to live. How can anyone in their right mind live like that for any real length of time??
Anyways, enough of a derail. Let focus back on my bi-polarness. In the back of my mind I know I want to succeed in my life. What does that mean? Well, without diving too much into my definition of success, lets kinda make it easy and say…what pretty much every normal person wants. Steady income, ablility to start a family, etc…you know the basics. Kinda boring I know, but I’m a simple guy.
NOW, on the other hand, this is exactly what I don’t want. The other side of me says…THAT IS SOOO LAME, DON’T SELL OUT POSER!! To get a steady job, with a steady income represents everything that you don’t want when your a kid. Yet this is supposed to be the norm when you “grow up.” When did this happen? How did I miss this? Its like one day I woke up and BAM! I had to join the masses. I’m not even blaming society for pushing me into this, because on one hand, I REALLY WANT TO SELL OUT! This is the part that doesn’t make any damn sense to me. I want to sell out and live a stable life, but at the exact same time I do not.
It feels as if there are 2 different people inside me pulling in 2 completely different directions. Well, actually let me rephrase that becuase it makes me sound like I might have an actual serious mental condition (which is definitely possible). I am at a point in my life where I can see 2 paths laid out in front of me. They are my own paths to choose, and absolutely no one can choose one over the other, except me. One path leads to a stable job, with a stable income, a decent member of society, working 9-5 during the week, going out and having fun on the weekends. In the grand scheme of the world…hey, its not a bad path. Many people would be more than happy to take that path.
The 2nd path leads to bigger risk. Its more the path of adventure into the unknown. I have dabbled down this path in the past, and it doesn’t always seem to pay off. While the potential for good income is there, it is not as cut and dry as the first path. It is a path of forseeable hardships in things like budget and possibly poorer living conditions. It has the bigger risk, but it also has the bigger payouts. Its starting my own company, going against the grain, finding new methods of income than the standard money=time idea. I like this path too.
So in the end it comes down to choosing between the 2 paths. And I seem to be in a sort of deadlock as I can’t choose between the 2 paths. Some days I am feeling very passionate and energetic and know for sure that I want to take the 2nd path in my life. There’s no doubt about it, I am strong, and confident, and can take on any challenge. Then I wake up the next day, and I’m a little tired, and don’t feel like taking the initiative. It would just be easier to get a “real” job, this nagging voice keeps telling me. If I could power through these times of negativity/realism? I could be fine. But theses down times hang on for too long. Just long enough to talk me out of taking path 2 and reverting back to path 1. And so the cycle continues. Over and over and over and over again. Where it stops nobody knows.
Call it selfishness, call it greed, call it pessimism, call it whatever you want. All I know is that it is a strong feeling that controls me from day to day in my life and has left me frozen, unable to decide where I want my life to go. I know that if I could somehow decide right now what kind of life I wanted to lead, I could make it happen in a relativly short amount of time. Because once I know exactly what I want, I go for it. Its getting to that point of knowing 100% that is the tricky part.
So for now I wallow in indecisiveness and write blog posts citing my bi-polarness. Its the only way I can cope.
I awaken tomorrow to the tides of indecisiveness, charting their course among a sea of tranquility.